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Fantasy of Denial

by Linda Connolly
Submitted: Friday, June 06, 2008

Denial is a great way to avoid facing the truth; unfortunately it is not a great technique for healing. Denial keeps the pain at bay. It allows you to face the day and for a short time you carry on as normal. Eventually though you must acknowledge reality. You are getting a divorce and your life will be forever changed. The choice you have is how, what and where your new life will lead you.

Denial can wear many faces such as resistance. You resist your relationship is ending. You cling to the hope that a miracle will happen and you will once again have wedded bliss. In rare occasions that may happen, but in most situations it will not. Resistance can be in avoiding talking to the lawyer, telling family and friends or avoiding talking to your ex spouse. Denial can also be a method for feeling in control of your life.

When facing any crisis in your life, denial maybe your primary response method. As a denial responder to crisis you don’t even think about it, you won’t mourn your loss or allow yourself to feel pain. You will just move on with your life. As enviable as that might seem, the cost is very high. By keeping your pain at a distance, you also block people and your joyful emotions at a distance. In the end you close yourself off from fully experiencing and enjoying life. Instead you will go through your days in emotional isolation and disconnection from yourself and others. In order to have a life that honors you and your values you will need to move from denial and resistance to acceptance. It can be painful but it will provide you with an opportunity to discover and face your hidden fears.

Denial is a coping mechanism for avoiding pain and a deep hidden fear. By listening to your self talk and doing some emotional awareness work you can discover and face your fears. You may discover you fear being alone, incompetent or being unlovable. Once you identify the fear, you can face it and heal. The process can lead to lasting healing and provide you with the strength and knowledge to reconnect to you and your dreams. Go ahead face your fear and start living your life. Start living a life that respects and honors the unique and loveable person that is you.